Welcome, I'm Kevin Lolley
"For it is by grace I have been saved, through faith. And I can't take credit for this,
it is a gift from God". Ephesians 2:8
THERE IS A SOLUTION
Upon entering residential drug and alcohol treatment for the second time, in an 18-month time period, I thought I had finally surrendered. Drug addiction had clearly stripped me of everyone and everything I once held dear. In my mind I honestly believed that I had the will power to win this battle once and for all. What I didn’t know was that no human being has the will power to win a battle with the devil. I lost my way for many years but ever since the day I was exposed to, and believed that there was, a solution I have focused my untiring determination on achieving my goal. My goal is simple but elusive. To be at peace and deliver peace to others. Sadly, I was never able to deliver peace to anyone because you simply can't give someone something you don't have. It has taken me 39 years to find peace of mind and I am obligated to pass along how I was restored to sanity. After all, as they say in Alcoholics Anonymous, “we can only keep what we have by giving it away.”
Sadly, there is a very real failure in the current clinical model that many drug and alcohol treatment centers are based on. The basic premise used today, in clinical treatment centers, is that you can fix your problems by knowing more about yourself. They teach that by knowing more about one self and why someone does the things they do that they will be able to magically not do them anymore. This is a next to impossible assumption to make. Don't get me wrong. Sorting through and cleaning up the wreckage of our past in an important part of the recovery process and clinical help is very beneficial in doing so. However, clinical therapy alone will mostly likely not keep you clean and sober for an extended period of time. I have spent countless hours in clinical therapy sessions and the one conclusion I arrived at is the absolute certainty that the left side of my brain writes bad checks and the right side of my brain cashes them. Thus, knowing that my way of thinking is the problem how is it possible to ascertain that by knowing more about the problem it will be solved? Fortunately, on page 25 of the Big Books of Alcoholics they clearly state that there is a solution:
“If you are as seriously alcoholic as we were, we believe there is no middle-of-the-road solution. We were in a position where life was becoming impossible, and if we had passed into the region from which there is no return through human aid, we had but two alternatives: One was to go on to the bitter end, blotting out the consciousness of our intolerable situation as best we could; and the other, to accept spiritual help.
Almost none of us liked the self-searching, the leveling of our pride, the confession of shortcomings which the process requires for its successful consummation. But we saw that it really worked in others, and we had come to believe in the hopelessness and futility of life as we had been living it. When, therefore, we were approached by those in whom the problem had been solved, there was nothing left for us but to pick up the simple kit of spiritual tools laid at our feet. We have found much of heaven and we have been rocketed into a fourth dimension of existence of which we had not even dreamed.
The great fact is just this, and nothing less: That we have had deep and effective spiritual experiences which have revolutionized our whole attitude toward life, toward our fellows and toward God's universe. The central fact of our lives today is the absolute certainty that our Creator has entered into our hearts and lives in a way which is indeed miraculous. He has commenced to accomplish those things for us which we could never do by ourselves.”
Reprinted from (Alcoholics Anonymous Pg.25) with permission of AA World Services Inc.
While in treatment I was told by my clinician to find a sponsor, join a home group and attend 90 Alcoholics Anonymous meetings in the first 90 days. Recovery is not a byproduct of meeting attendance. This is not how the program of recovery is laid out in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. The literature states nothing about joining a home group or attending 90 meetings in your first 90 days. It does however clearly states in the above referenced passage: “When, therefore, we were approached by those in whom the problem had been solved, there was nothing left for us but to pick up the simple kit of spiritual tools laid at our feet.” Addicts and alcoholics in early recovery are far too fragile to walk up to a stranger and ask them to be there sponsor.
I was blessed to meet a gentleman, Steve, early on in my recovery who has been clean and sober for 32 years. By God’s grace relapse is not a part of Steve’s story. He approached me and took me under his wing. He told me that if I was willing to go to any lengths he would help me develop a personal program of recovery that I could take with me anywhere in the world and remain sober, regardless of my life circumstances. The first thing he advised me to do was to know the literature of recovery, the Big Book, inside and out.
It is important for me to remain willing, honest and open in all of my affairs. I want to be clear that this program of recovery I practice, on a daily basis, comes directly from the teachings of the Big Book and the Holy Bible. One of the greatest gifts the Lord and my family gave me was a strong work ethic. I have used this gift, coupled with the proper instructions, to catapult my recovery. The terms “spiritual experience” and “spiritual awakening” are used many times in the literature of Alcoholics Anonymous. These terms refer to a personality change sufficient to bring about recovery from drug and/or alcohol addiction. Without this sufficient personality change I am confident that I would merely be a sober self-centered individual as opposed to a high self-centered individual. Not using mind altering substances isn’t a struggle for me today. The real challenge is living a life that is pleasing to God. If I’m living life by God’s word staying sober is an automatic by product.
How I Arrived at a Spiritual Awakening, My Personal Program of Recovery.
My journey towards a spiritual awaking began on pages 86 and 87 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. This is where my sponsor had me begin. I want to be transparent that when I began this journey I was, for all intensive purposes, an atheist. I did not see how a God, whom I did not believe in, could help solve my problems. I explained to my sponsor that intellectually I could not comprehend a supreme being who was capable of removing my mental obsession with drugs. It was at that point when he snickered and told me it was beyond the limits of a human’s imagination to understand the power of the holy spirit. He asked if I knew how my cell phone worked and I said, “no.” He said, “but you use it every day don’t you?” I said, “yes.” He said, “You can pick up that device, say call mom and somehow it takes a signal and bounces it off radio towers and satellites and finds your mother anywhere in the world. So since you don’t understand exactly how it works does that mean you don’t use it?” At that moment light dawned on marble head. However skeptical I may have been I was certain of one thing. My ways had failed utterly. Thus, having been blessed with the gift a desperation I was willing to try anything.
I can still recall with tremendous clarity the first time I dropped to my knees and asked for help. My sponsor told me that God would listen if it was sincere and from my heart. On pages 86 and 87 of the Big Books of Alcoholics Anonymous it outlines the following morning and nightly routines. This is the daily prayer routine I used to begin my Christian walk.
“On awakening let us think about the twenty-four hours ahead. We consider our plans for the day. Before we begin, we ask God to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives. Under these conditions we can employ our mental faculties with assurance, for after all God gave us brains to use. Our thought-life will be placed on a much higher plane when our thinking is cleared of wrong motives.
In thinking about our day we may face indecision. We may not be able to determine which course to take. Here we ask God for inspiration, an intuitive thought or a decision. We relax and take it easy. We don't struggle. We are often surprised how the right answers come
after we have tried this for a while. What used to be the hunch or the occasional inspiration gradually becomes a working part of the mind. Being still inexperienced and having just made conscious contact with God, it is not probable that we are going to be inspired at all times. We might pay for this presumption in all sorts of absurd actions and ideas. Nevertheless, we find that our thinking will, as time passes, be more and more on the plane of inspiration. We come to rely upon it.
When we retire at night, we constructively review our day. Were we resentful, selfish, dishonest or afraid? Do we owe an apology? Have we kept something to ourselves which should be discussed with another person at once? Were we kind and loving toward all? What could we have done better? Were we thinking of ourselves most of the time? Or were we thinking of what we could do for others, of what we could pack into the stream of life? But we must be careful not to drift into worry, remorse or morbid reflection, for that would diminish our usefulness to others. After making our review we ask God's forgiveness and inquire what corrective measures should be taken.
We usually conclude the period of meditation with a prayer that we be shown all through the day what our next step is to be, that we be given whatever we need to take care of such problems. We ask especially for freedom from self-will, and are careful to make no request for ourselves only. We may ask for ourselves, however, if others will be helped. We are careful never to pray for our own selfish ends. Many of us have wasted a lot of time doing that and it doesn't work. You can easily see why.””
Reprinted from (Alcoholics Anonymous Pg.86 & 87) with permission of AA World Services Inc.
As I progress in my Christian walk I have added various other recovery tools. I read Proverbs every morning in accordance with the corresponding day of the month. I also do a couple of daily devotionals. One is www.utmost.org and the other is a small book entitled, "Grace for Today." The moment I open my eyes I say thank you. Thank you for another chance God. For a long time I didn't feel I deserved another chance as I have been ruled by sin and according to the Bible the wages for sin is death. Fortunately for me, and for you if you believe, Jesus died for our past, present and future sins. God's grace is enough for me today. Grace is an un-merrited gift. I don't deserve it, but I will humbly and gratefully except it.
After reading my devotionals, which almost always stir up an intuitive thought process, I go into the routine outlined above. I always pray for my beloved family and other people that are on my heart. I ask the Lord to use me as a tool to spread his love and to help others. For so many years all I cared about was what the world could do for me. From there I go about my day and while the ways of the world still close in on me at times I am amazed at what I can handle today. Nobody can deny me my personal miracle in recovery.
The other big part of my daily routine is my nightly recap of the day. As outlined above, I constructively review my day and examine where I fell short. It is important to note that we all fall short. Romans 3:23: "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." For me this daily routine continues to make the manners in which I fall short smaller and smaller. Some days are better than others and as it also says in John 16:33: "In this life you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." It doesn't say you might have troubles, rather it ensures us that we will have troubles. By doing this daily routine EVERYDAY I find that I WANT to be an honest, unselfish sober man. At the beginning of my recovery this routine often felt like a chore, today it's the keystone of my recovery. A member of Alcoholics Anonymous once told me, "keep coming until you actually want to. If you bring the body the spirit will follow." This same man also said, "yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery and today is a gift. That's why we call today the present."
In closing, for now, I would like to quote/paraphrase the Co-Founder of Alcoholics Anonymous Dr. William Silkworth. "I earnestly advise every addict/alcoholic to read this daily routine through, and though perhaps you may scoff, may you remain to pray."