The ensuing 48 hours are difficult for me to recall.  I have sporadic images of my time in the hospital, jail and finally standing before a judge.  The reality of my spiritual bankruptcy, which lead to heroin addiction, was read allowed to me in the form of charges being filed against me.  How did I ever let it get to the point that my untreated spiritual condition could have taken the life of an innocent beautiful family?  Today, I have a solid understanding of how my selfish and self-centered views of the world lead to my demise.

Growing up I was awarded every opportunity to succeed in the physical realm of life. However, as far back as I can remember I have always placed an enormous amount of pressure on myself to be “perfect”.  My entire life was driven by the fear of failing and deep routed insecurities.  Couple these fears and insecurity with an ego and you have a recipe for disaster.  I always felt the need to tell people what they wanted to hear.  I thought that people expected me to be perfect so I attempted to present myself as such.  I was a liar and manipulator who viewed life as a game.  There always had to be a winner and a loser.  Sadly, even when I won I lost as my gains were almost always ill-gotten and the Lord does not honor ill-gotten gains.

Interestingly enough my substance abuse issues did not begin until after I graduated from college.  There was occasional drinking and marijuana use in college but never in high school. During my youth and teenage years my spiritual illness manifested itself in a variety of other ways.  I excelled in both academics and athletics.  From the outside looking in I was able to easily hide the extent of my sickness.  There were countless failed relationships, all of which were completely my fault. 

I graduated from college with a bachelor’s degree in finance, moved into an apartment, secured a good job, had an amazing girlfriend and was seemingly doing well. Throughout my twenties there were times of plenty and times of want.  Times of hope and times of despair.  The one constant was that I was a compulsive liar who defined himself by his famlies successes.  I developed a sense of entitlement that lead to devilish arrogance.  I had illusions of grandeur when in all actuality I knew deep down I was a complete fraud.  While I always worked hard my motives were never to glorify anything or anyone other than myself. 

During my twenties I moved from Massachusetts to Maine.  Then back to Massachusetts, as the result of another failed relationship, and back to Maine again.  I was given countless opportunities to right the sinking ship my life had become but instead of being humble and grateful I always reverted back to my old ways.  Again, it is important to note that during this time I was always professionally employed and substance abuse was not yet a determining factor in my life. 

At the age of 28 when I moved back to Maine, for the second time, I made an attempt to finally settle down.  I bought my first home and entered into a serious relationship.  Around the age of 30 is when my drinking really started to escalate.  I had more or less squandered away all of the money I had made during my twenties by trying to be someone I was not.  Suddenly being back in my home town I noticed that everyone else who I had once perceived to be far ahead of was now ahead of me.  This added another layer of fear to my spiritual illness as I had lost the one coping mechanism I had, "look at what I have syndrome."  I was no longer able to justify my failures as a person with my supposed successes in life.  Knowing full well by this point that I was not a good person, nor was I in the economic position I should have been, I began drinking excessively to numb the pain.  During this period I gave away one of the truest love I have ever known, ,due to my inability to be honest and true to anyone, let alone myself. 

At 33 years of age I was introduced to opiates and my future ex-wife.  I state these two facts together because I truly believe that in conjunction with my famlies un-waivering love and support Sarah's daily presence kept me alive during my years of opiate addiction.  When my opiate addiction began I still had my family, a nice home, promising career and a very small amount of unused integrity.  When I talk to folks in recovery they often speak of an event, rock bottom, that finally blessed them with the gift of desperation to change everything.  Some people speak of the loss of a job, relationship, home, legal problems, etc.  Being an addict of the hopeless variety I gave up all of these things at once.  Looking back, I have been blessed with very few losses in life.  I gave away my family, my wife, my home, my career and my sanity.  I chose to blot out the consciousness of the reality my life had become by using drugs. I was the problem and today I take full responsibility for my actions.

Then ensuing 5-year time period from when I was first introduced to opiates was a very dark time for me and anyone who cared about me.  How it all ended is outlined on my home page and at the beginning of this testimony.  I know with complete certainty that hell on earth exists as I was there.  I lied, stole, cheated and did whatever I had to do to not face the dark reality of my situation.  I took a lot of hostages who saw the good in me that I wasn’t able to see.  I feel it best to not get into the details of my darkest days as they deliver little hope to those struggling from the disease of addiction.  Instead, I would prefer to focus on the solution.  As it says in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, “when we focus on the problem the problem gets bigger, but when we focus on the solution the solution gets bigger.”  Please click on the “The Solution” tab of my site to learn how I recovered from hell on earth.  Today I believe that heaven on earth does exist and by God’s grace I am living in the light of the Holy Spirit today.

My Testimony - Continued.....

Welcome, I'm Kevin Lolley

"For it is by grace I have been saved, through faith. And I can't take credit for this,

it is a gift from God". Ephesians 2:8

Within a couple hours of arriving at work on that fate filled Monday my boss recommended I return home as I was quite ill.  A combination of opiate withdrawal coupled with respiratory illness ensured my validated exit from work.  I then drove from my office in Boston to the streets of Lawrence, Massachusetts to purchase my medicine.  This medicine was not the antibiotic that I needed to address my bronchitis but rather the heroin I required to remedy my drug sickness.  My next real memory was the impact of the car accident.  By the grace of God nobody suffered serious physical injuries in the crash.    At this moment something came over me and I knew in the bottom of my soul that “it” was over.  Thankfully what I thought was over wasn’t actually over at all, but rather it was just beginning.  Although for the first time in my life I had lost my freedom I am blessed to say that today I am finally free.

So Far Away - Aaron Lewis

"This is my life
Its not what it was before
All these feelings I've shared
And these are my dreams
That I'd never lived before
Somebody shake me
'Cause I
I must be sleeping

Now that we're here,
It's so far away
All the struggle we thought was in vain
All in the mistakes,
One life contained
They all finally start to go away
Now that we're here it's so far away
And I feel like I can face the day, and I can forgive
And I'm not ashamed to be the person that I am today

These are my words
That I've never said before
I think I'm doing okay
And this is the smile
That I've never shown before

Somebody shake me 'cause I
I must be sleeping

Now that we're here,
It's so far away
All the struggle we thought was in vain
All in the mistakes,
One life contained
They all finally start to go away
Now that we're here it's so far away
And I feel like I can face the day, and I can forgive
And I'm not ashamed to be the person that I am today

I'm so afraid of waking
Please don't shake me
Afraid of waking
Please don't shake me

Now that we're here,
It's so far away
All the struggle we thought was in vain
All in the mistakes,
One life contained
They all finally start to go away
Now that we're here it's so far away
And I feel like I can face the day, and I can forgive
And I'm not ashamed to be the person that I am today."